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**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
No pants are the best pants.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.