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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.