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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.