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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.