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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
My house has really let itself go.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?