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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.