Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
I drink coffee for your protection.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.