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Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...