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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!