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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.