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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.