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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
This headache feels like dumb people
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.