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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The word bed looks like a bed.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
life is short play naked
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.