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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
take me drunk i`m home
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.