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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time