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I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.