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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.