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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.