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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.