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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.