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If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut