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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.