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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.