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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.