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For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.