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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.