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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.