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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
justin bieber
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk