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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.