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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.