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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
I am the bestest at the English language...
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?