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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.