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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.