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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Hello...
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
My memory foam has amnesia
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.