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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.