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I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.