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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point