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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Hash browns not tags.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...