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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.