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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.