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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."