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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?