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can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...