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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.