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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.