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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
If you ever disappeared while hiking, Iād remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example ā¦
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.