Daily Silly Status

Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."

Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"

How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate

Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

I always advise people never to give advice.

I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.

I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.

The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong

You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.