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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.