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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.