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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.