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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.