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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I saw that! - Karma
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
pudding... thats always a funny word
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.