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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...