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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...