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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.