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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.