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I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me