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I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.