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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.