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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.