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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
Doormats are a gateway rug.