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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?