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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Home is where the alcohol is.