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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store