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A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.