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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.