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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.