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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.