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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it