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Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.