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So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.