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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!