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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards