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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.