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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."