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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.