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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.