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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.