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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!