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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.