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I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?