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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.