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is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway