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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.