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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
The fox says you need to stop.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.