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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.