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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.