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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I like it like that
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.