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I put the o in illiterate!
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.