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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.