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When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If people could read my mind, Iād get punched in the face a lot.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
insert coin to view my status
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.