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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
I laugh in the face of normal.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.