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Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.