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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.