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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...