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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?