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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.