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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.