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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.