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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
I never thought Iād be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Own the day
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?