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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.