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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time