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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.