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My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?