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Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?