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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.