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If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session