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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.