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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!