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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.