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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I like it like that
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"