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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch