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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...