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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
It needs more cowbell!!
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.