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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.