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What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.