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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...