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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.