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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it