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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
My pants are 75% off.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.