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happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops