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I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.