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Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.