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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.