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Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Mondays should start at noon.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it